S.H.I.T. Super Horoscopic Insights by Tar (3)

Aries: a strange, talking coffee machine will visit you in your dreams to warn you of the impending expiry date of a small pot of yoghurt in the back of your fridge. Don’t ask him anything involving french cheese or the parliamentary system of the democratic people’s republic of Korea, or the universe will collapse.

Taurus: Your horoscope says: cookie cookie banana fridge door. I don’t know what that means either.

Gemini: Please take heed of strange men with purple hats. That’s got nothing to do with your horoscope, but just a bit of general advise for the future, you know. Your horoscope says that you will find true love next Tuesday, at about lunchtime. Look to the left.

Cancer: For weeks on an end, nothing will happen to you. You will be lured into a false sense of security by this uneventful period. But then, when you least expect it......nothing will happen to you some more. What can I say? The future looks really dull for you.

Leo: Be on the lookout for renegade frogs. The Green and Rather Slimy Rebellion Force will rule supreme  !!

Virgo:  Tomorrow, you will contemplate the nature of your existence, question the relativity of all human knowledge, and eat a small biscuit. Not necessarily in that order though.

Libra: Beware, for the future looks very grim for Libra’s. Somewhere in the next few days, you will lose whatever dignity you have in an attempt to eat your own nose in a public place. This event, however, will be entirely overshadowed by the spontaneous combustion of the person that was standing next to you.

Scorpio: Right when you were standing next to a Libra in a public place, your fingernails formed a chemical reaction with your nose hair, thus causing you to explode at an awkward moment.

Sagittarius: The continuous presence of a duck in your most recent dreams is nothing to worry about. Sagittarii had best focus on the giant meteor that will crash-land onto their eyelids next Wednesday. Putting things into focus won’t help you survive, of course, but when will you ever have another chance of seeing a meteor?

Capricorn: Ah, the future of Capricorns. Many things I see, yes. Many, many things. I won’t tell you what they are though.  

Aquarius: A small penguin will demand your underwear next Thursday. I’ve asked him why, but all he ever said was quack, which I think is a really bad answer.

Pisces: Tomorrow morning, you will die the most gruesome death known to man. Nah, just kidding. You will experience a small headache though.